Whether it was inspired or as insipid as Derek’s message, I did not know as I hit the send key. I probably would never be a good judge of that. But the message was out there.
I read energy and I have discovered in relating to you that I have been able to feel when your thoughts/feelings have been moving towards me and, conversely, when they have been moving away from me. So this missive is not exactly a surprise. I’ve felt some of your struggle over the past few weeks and I have felt the uncomfortable pulling away since Saturday.
There are many things I might say, but I doubt most would be useful. The past five weeks have been a very interesting–sometimes glorious and sometimes disconcerting–experience of transparency for me. That has been facilitated by the fact that you yourself have been pretty transparent. I wouldn’t trade it for the world and don’t plan on being any less transparent moving forward. I thank you for that. I thank you too for that stick of dynamite (journey image) that has ignited something that I’m not closing down. You opened Pandora’s Box, and what do you know, it’s all good inside.
I have seen the confusion masquerading as other things (like fear, guilt, doubt) in you. You have your own process to make your way through and I have been careful to avoid mucking with it. I have found you thoroughly delightful. You are very different from me in a number of ways and similar in others. It has never appealed to me to have a man in my life who is a clone of me, so the differences have been a part of the delight. What works or doesn’t work is part of the great mystery, so please don’t diminish either of us by speculating that “it probably would not work out anyways.” You’re a smarter, more insightful man than that with more integrity (and by that I mean wholeness as well as scruples) than that statement suggests. The mystery always has to work its way out on its own. And what is left after “the infatuation period” (as you put it) is always a part of that marvelous mystery. The crystal ball ability in me could see potential for some very vibrant, lovely things. But potential is just that: potential. Manifested reality is something else again. In any event, the present moment ride itself was pleasing to me. And that adventure was one that resonated for me–but apparently not you.
I’m glad that you had moments with me that were blissful (or at least sound that way from your description). I’m sorry you’ve had moments of angst. I’m sorry for your discomfort in relationship with me, but then, it is not news that not just any man can hang with me. To set the record straight, I wasn’t just starting to fall for you, I started falling (and let myself) from the beginning. But you need not worry about tearing my heart apart (your words). As I have said face-to-face and in writing to you, the alternative to having a broken heart is to have a closed one. And having a closed heart is not a way to be fully, flagrantly, robustly alive. If there is one kind of courage I have developed as a shaman, it is the courage to keep my heart open.
You’re sorry for hurting me–which is an assumption you are making: that I am hurt. Actually, you have read me well enough to know that there are some tears streaming down my face. And thank God for that. I am alive. I’m among the living. Hail and glory to that.
One thing I learned long ago, thanks to loving a man who has been on the other side since 1995 (so no, not Howard and definitely not my first husband) is that even one moment of love is never lost. It reverberates on and on in this universe and a few others (and a few other dimensions too). It is the best of us as humans. So I’m taking nothing back I’ve said to you or felt for you or continue to feel for you. It cannot be taken back anyway. It is already reverberating on and on in the universe.
Note: The name Derek is fictitious and has been used out of respect for the man involved.
Copyright 2016 by Melanie Mulhall