Don’t Leave the Old Road for a New One, Part 3

By the time we’re in midlife, if we’re lucky, we’re so exhausted with maintaining the persona that we want to find our way back home. And back home is to that body we thought was dead, but isn’t.

I’m not simply speaking about all of this from the standpoint of observer. This is not just intellectualization. I have experience with it from the inside out. I had my own version of a dysfunctional childhood. I was a good student because, at least in part, “being smart” was a very helpful persona component. I created such a good persona that my own family didn’t know just how bad my first marriage was until I left it—ten and a half years into it. My persona attracted friends and male companions. My personal defenses against abuse, abandonment, poverty, fear of incompetence, and the suspicion that I would be found seriously lacking if I wasn’t perfect contributed to my achieving some useful things, like a couple of swell degrees and some business success. But they also made me a little brittle and a little less than consistently fun to be with for friends, lovers, and those supervised by me. Among other things, I could be moody, insecure, and a demanding boss.

I began my journey home—my journey back to myself—at an age when some people are still running down the road away from the dead body. Still, it took years to get as far away from myself as I was, and it has taken years to make my way back to myself. I’ve often speculated that we spend the first half of our lives becoming dysfunctional and, if we’re paying attention, we spend the second half of our lives undoing that dysfunction.

The admonition to not leave the old road for a new one is, as I have come to understand it, a wise bit of guidance to find your way back to yourself by facing, clearing, and healing everything within that is dysfunctional and inauthentic. That means stripping the persona down, dismantling the inappropriate boundaries, and rediscovering who you are at your core.

But what would leaving the old road for a new one be like? It would be an attempt to recreate yourself (often at midlife) by dismissing the ways in which you have made yourself up to this point—more or less trying to sail right over them—and simply trying to walk a more functional path without a backward glance at the path you spent all those years traveling down.

It’s temping, to be sure, and it’s what we think about when we speak of “starting fresh” or “starting over.” But according to my friend Jorge Luis Delgado, Peruvian chacaruna (“bridge person”—essentially, shaman), the Inca view the future as behind them, not in front of them. Why? For at least a couple of reasons, actually. First, we humans have eyes that face forward. We can see what is in front of us, but not what is behind us. And since we cannot see the future, it can be considered behind us. But perhaps more important, the future will be our past if we become enmeshed in our past, disdain our past, or otherwise refuse to accept and deal with it. And that is why we should not leave the old road for a new one.

Copyright 2013 by Melanie Mulhall

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10 Responses to “Don’t Leave the Old Road for a New One, Part 3”

  1. mathilde915 Says:

    Love your blog. very insightful.


  2. kathykaiser Says:

    Your comment that we spend the first half of our lives becoming dysfunctional and the second half returning to ourselves really resonated with me. I’m just starting to realize the elaborate persona I gave myself. That journey back is difficult but rewarding. More power to you.


  3. Susan Enfield Says:

    Love what your Peruvian friend said about the future–and the whole series of blogs. Wisdom!


    • Melanie Mulhall Says:


      Thanks for that comment. Jorge Luis Delgado has many wise things to say. There is a long series of posts on Peru you can find if you go back to 2010 and 2011. There will be more to come on this subject.



  4. gaildstorey Says:

    Exactly. It’s sometimes tempting to do what’s called “spiritual bypassing” as a way to not face the whole self, rather than tenderly accepting it in the deepest sense of the word.


    • Melanie Mulhall Says:


      Yes, and spiritual bypassing is as good a way of referring to it as I have heard. By tenderly accepting ourselves as we are, we reclaim our birthright to live as ourselves, exactly as we are. And when we do that, those around us notice. And they usually like us better. Real is more captivating than artificial.

      Thanks again for your insights.



  5. Denise K. Livotti Says:

    Love the blog too. So much is resonating with me. Midlife and wanting,
    needing to go back to my true self has never been more loud then it has been recently.

    Much gratitude and love,

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Melanie Mulhall Says:

    Thanks for your kind words, Denise K. Livotti. It is at midlife that our soul often kicks our butt to do what we came here to do (or do the next thing we came here to do). So if you are feeling the urge to get back to your true self, you’re right on schedule. 🙂


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